"oh, the caged bird dreams..."

nothing is consistent except change - i get it i get it. but it’s seemed like change has reared it’s ugly head more than usual, here lately. i feel like i’ve become a whole other person while (mostly) everyone else has stayed the same. by no means is this me putting myself on a pedestal, it’s actually quite the opposite… i’m left wondering, what the heck is wrong with me? i feel like, in the past six months, so much has changed in my life. i went from having a job that felt like a hassle, to having my own clinic, flying to conferences, making big-time decisions that not only affect my work like, but the work life of at least 20 other people. i went from having a roommate, divvying up the household duties (and payments) with someone else, to wanting to live on my own - taking on the hassle of living by myself for the sheer bliss of, well, living by myself. i feel like i’ve been more “closed off,” preferring the company of books and music (and maybe a glass of wine) to the company of many others in a loud and crowded bar setting. does this make me a weird 23-year-old? i say that i’m in my “nesting” stage and looking for a place to call my own - a place that is solely mine and no one else’s. i find that i can afford to do the fun things that i want to do because i don’t really have any other responsibilities. i don’t have a child. i’m not planning a long term future with a boyfriend. i have a steady job that i enjoy for the time being. so why do i feel so conflicted when it comes to a certain set of my friends? my best friend keeps telling me that it’s really hard to grow up when that means leaving a good portion of your friends behind. but i feel drug down. i feel like, at this point in our lives, shouldn’t we be past dead-end jobs? bankrupt bank accounts? college aged lovers? black-out nights? overpriced drinks at college bars? shouldn’t we be going to bed earlier and waking up in time for the mcdonald’s breakfast menu (not that we’d eat it, yuck!) aren’t we past the stage of waking up with cotton-mouth because you drank too much the night before (or the taste of a rando’s mouth that we hooked up with the night before? DOUBLE YUCK!) i feel like such an old lady, but i like it. i’m at a stage in my life when i get to make the decisions and do what i want. i want to stay in on a friday night with nothing but a bottle of wine? so be it. i want to have a few drinks at patterson house? sure…! (a fantasy i could NEVER have afforded a few years ago!) i’m really excited to start this stage in my life. i’m ready to try independence on for size. i’m ready to be responsible and stop blaming my parents, or the bank, or even my friends for my life problems. you have no one to be responsible to but yourself. enjoy it - this phase won’t last forever.

PRAISE THE LORD I HAVE MY OWN APARTMENT!! a condo, to be exact. a space of my very own. a bedroom a kitchen a bathroom and a living room that are MINE AND NO ONE ELSE’S!  i have been (essentially) jumping around squealing all damn day long. fuck. this is exhausting. and exciting. and OMG DID I MENTION THE POOL?  hoooooooly shiiiiiiiit. this is adult life, i think. no roommate. no one else to deal with other than myself (which can get pretty bad, admittedly.) i am the happiest right now!